Reality Show: 19 Kids and Counting
This reality show was recently brought to my attention, more
specifically, the news that is rapidly spreading throughout social media
regarding Josh, the older child of this family. It was indicated that a few
years ago he had admitted to molesting a few of his siblings, and in turn,
received counseling services. Furthermore, it was also stated that the
survivors of the incident also received treatment. These types of scenarios are
not ones that any one person enjoys reading about, as it opens up a realm of
ridicule, doubt, judgement, and fear. I was amazed at many of the social media
responses and comments made about Josh, as well as the survivors in addition to
their family and religious beliefs. Therefore, I, like many others are
undoubtedly doing decided to write a few remarks on scenarios such as these.
It is difficult to be an outsider looking in when we hear
about children having been sexually abused. As a counselor, I have heard over
the years that one in four or even as high as one in three girls are sexually
abused. One in four boys are, as well. It seems to be more commonplace than we
know, yet it continues to be the frightening elephant in the room. Rather than
look at it from a judgmental place, I’d rather look at it from a place of understanding.
First, not all people who act out sexually in an
inappropriate manner have been victims themselves. There can be a small
correlation to this idea, but it is not a cause-effect relationship. There are
many factors that play into a person acting out. Therefore, jumping to a
conclusion that someone does this because it was done to them is not accurate.
Also, religions that call for sexual purity or sexual abstinence do not lead to
someone acting out. There is no cause-effect relationship, though on social
media I have seen this said. Research does not support statements like these. Third,
saying that the victims must come out into the open and tell their story is not
always helpful, nor is it therapeutic. In fact, it can do the opposite. It can
foster hate…and we all know what happens when hate is encouraged.
Now, on to the victims or survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual
abuse can be a developmental life changer. I want to reiterate what I just said—it
CAN be a developmental life changer. That means and implies that other factors
must be involved such as support, age of the individual, psychosocial stage of
development, cognitive development, etc. Sexual abuse introduces a very mature
idea into a small mind and body that is not cognitively or socially ready for it.
It also introduces strong physiological responses in a small mind and body that
may not be ready for it. This can lead to confusion about sex, relationships, identity,
and much more. However, it doesn’t have to be a game changer. Again, it is not
a cause-effect relationship. Much can be said about the victim/survivor who
comes out and talks about it, though it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are
more or less healthy than those who keep it quiet. Much can be said about those
who keep it quiet and work on it on their own without creating an environment
of anger. The reason I say that, is because one social media responder
indicated that the victims need to have a voice and be represented and speak
out loud. This type of behavior can actually lead to ongoing symptomatic and
behavioral problems, as well as fostering self-loathing, hatred, and mistrust.
Anger and hate beget more anger and hate. Helping a person find meaning in
their life after the abuse can foster inner peace, healing, understanding, and
forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness for the one who did the abuse.
In the many hours I have spent working with people who have
suffered through many types of trauma, I have yet to meet a person who fully
healed that did not forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that one is okay with
what happened to them or what they did to someone else. Forgiveness means
letting go of all hope of a better past (not my saying, but a good one), and
allowing the pain, sorrow, and suffering to go. Holding on to the pain and suffering
only brings more pain and suffering. Again, I return to my prior statement that
we all know what happens when hate is encouraged.
Finally, true healing can happen for both the
victim/survivor and the perpetrator. It requires empathy on both sides. Empathy
is being willing to walk with the individual, side-by-side, and to support
them, not to enable them. Empathy can empower a person to have hope for a
better future. A better future does not mean that they will be free from the
memory of what was done, but rather that they can grow and develop into
something stronger. They can find meaning from the suffering (yes, that is a
very existentialist statement—for more information read Victor Frankl’s “Man’s
Search for Meaning). The path to recovery from victimization or perpetration is
not comfortable, but it is doable. Most of the time, you won’t find those
stories in social media. Those people keep their stories to themselves, because
they are sacred and personal. If a story fosters hate and confusion, there won’t
be much healing there.
If anyone has questions or comments, feel free to leave them…if
they are negative and degrading, they will be deleted. My blog is not a place
for that.
