I SUCK! But, at least I'm predictable...

Today's tagline is: I suck...but at least I'm predictable. 

Psychology is not the study of the mind. Rather, it is the study of the soul. As we delve into the soul we begin to find that human beings, despite how busy they become and how complex their lives are, they are fairly simple creatures. I tend to lean to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a template to gauge why people do what they do. It's fairly simple, actually. If you think about it, all behaviors have a purpose and typically they can fall into one of the 4-5 categories in Maslow's Hierarchy. Starting at the bottom there are PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS and going up from there is SAFETY, SOCIAL/ESTEEM, and finally SELF-ACTUALIZATION. Today, though, I want to speak briefly about Safety.

Safety, in my experience, is an umbrella term that encompasses all aspects of a person's life that makes them feel that life is comfortable, predictable, consistent, and stable. With a foundation of safety, which means that turmoil is minimal the individual believes that all is well. They feel and believe that their physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual needs are aligned and sufficiently under their control.

Now, let's see how this principle of safety is not without a sense of irony. Take, for instance, an individual who is struggling with self-esteem, depression, anxiousness, obsessive compulsiveness, or ANYTHING where they feel that they are out of control. Here, you may find an individual who engages in covert behaviors (i.e. internal) that include self-berating, self-doubting, self-flagellation, etc. Their internal dialogue may be "I suck at this...I'm a failure....I'm not good at this....I'm a terrible person...etc." Not only do they say these things, but they may even seek out internal or external evidence for it. For example: "I suck at playing the trumpet, because I screwed up in the concert....I am a failure as a mother, because my child is struggling in school and I should have done more with him/her at home...I am a terrible employee, because my boss gave me negative feedback...etc." This internal process added to the seeking and finding of evidence leads to feelings of despair, hopelessness, and even sleepless nights. One would think that the results of this process might logically push a person to move away from such negative behaviors; thus enabling them to move up the hierarchy and work on their esteem, their social life and moving towards actualization. In some cases it does! However, in the cases that end out in my office it does not always look like this. In my opinion, this happens because the behaviors (internal and external) have a predictable and consistent result, thus logically maintaining a sense of ironic safety. After all, safety is a sense of stability and predictability. Therefore, why would the individual change when they know that their outcome will be the same and they have power over it?

Now that we've briefly unraveled this ironic sense of safety, one can see how it might be comfortable to remain in their unhappy state. So, one might ask how to help a person move from that state to a new state of safety. Truthfully, there are many ways. CBT or Gestalt therapy can help, person-centered therapy can help, existential therapy can help, and much more. Typically, it requires an empathetic ear that can help a person to become aware of their internal goings-on. Awareness can be a breeding ground for change that is brought on by the individual's will to seek a higher level of safety. Once they begin to move in that direction, then they need to be able to identify the progress, celebrate it, give themselves the proverbial pat on the back and develop their own self-efficacy (i.e. confidence). Then, their motivation to continue the new behavior can be internally driven. Finally, the new results can be just as predictable; just as stable; and just as consistent as the prior behaviors. Who wouldn't want that?

Dr Law

To Hate Or To Forgive...That Is the Question

Reality Show: 19 Kids and Counting

This reality show was recently brought to my attention, more specifically, the news that is rapidly spreading throughout social media regarding Josh, the older child of this family. It was indicated that a few years ago he had admitted to molesting a few of his siblings, and in turn, received counseling services. Furthermore, it was also stated that the survivors of the incident also received treatment. These types of scenarios are not ones that any one person enjoys reading about, as it opens up a realm of ridicule, doubt, judgement, and fear. I was amazed at many of the social media responses and comments made about Josh, as well as the survivors in addition to their family and religious beliefs. Therefore, I, like many others are undoubtedly doing decided to write a few remarks on scenarios such as these. 

It is difficult to be an outsider looking in when we hear about children having been sexually abused. As a counselor, I have heard over the years that one in four or even as high as one in three girls are sexually abused. One in four boys are, as well. It seems to be more commonplace than we know, yet it continues to be the frightening elephant in the room. Rather than look at it from a judgmental place, I’d rather look at it from a place of understanding. 

First, not all people who act out sexually in an inappropriate manner have been victims themselves. There can be a small correlation to this idea, but it is not a cause-effect relationship. There are many factors that play into a person acting out. Therefore, jumping to a conclusion that someone does this because it was done to them is not accurate. Also, religions that call for sexual purity or sexual abstinence do not lead to someone acting out. There is no cause-effect relationship, though on social media I have seen this said. Research does not support statements like these. Third, saying that the victims must come out into the open and tell their story is not always helpful, nor is it therapeutic. In fact, it can do the opposite. It can foster hate…and we all know what happens when hate is encouraged. 

Now, on to the victims or survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be a developmental life changer. I want to reiterate what I just said—it CAN be a developmental life changer. That means and implies that other factors must be involved such as support, age of the individual, psychosocial stage of development, cognitive development, etc. Sexual abuse introduces a very mature idea into a small mind and body that is not cognitively or socially ready for it. It also introduces strong physiological responses in a small mind and body that may not be ready for it. This can lead to confusion about sex, relationships, identity, and much more. However, it doesn’t have to be a game changer. Again, it is not a cause-effect relationship. Much can be said about the victim/survivor who comes out and talks about it, though it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are more or less healthy than those who keep it quiet. Much can be said about those who keep it quiet and work on it on their own without creating an environment of anger. The reason I say that, is because one social media responder indicated that the victims need to have a voice and be represented and speak out loud. This type of behavior can actually lead to ongoing symptomatic and behavioral problems, as well as fostering self-loathing, hatred, and mistrust. Anger and hate beget more anger and hate. Helping a person find meaning in their life after the abuse can foster inner peace, healing, understanding, and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness for the one who did the abuse. 

In the many hours I have spent working with people who have suffered through many types of trauma, I have yet to meet a person who fully healed that did not forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that one is okay with what happened to them or what they did to someone else. Forgiveness means letting go of all hope of a better past (not my saying, but a good one), and allowing the pain, sorrow, and suffering to go. Holding on to the pain and suffering only brings more pain and suffering. Again, I return to my prior statement that we all know what happens when hate is encouraged.

Finally, true healing can happen for both the victim/survivor and the perpetrator. It requires empathy on both sides. Empathy is being willing to walk with the individual, side-by-side, and to support them, not to enable them. Empathy can empower a person to have hope for a better future. A better future does not mean that they will be free from the memory of what was done, but rather that they can grow and develop into something stronger. They can find meaning from the suffering (yes, that is a very existentialist statement—for more information read Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning). The path to recovery from victimization or perpetration is not comfortable, but it is doable. Most of the time, you won’t find those stories in social media. Those people keep their stories to themselves, because they are sacred and personal. If a story fosters hate and confusion, there won’t be much healing there. 

If anyone has questions or comments, feel free to leave them…if they are negative and degrading, they will be deleted. My blog is not a place for that.

The Psychology of Brer Rabbit: Psychological Resiliency

I know for all four of my readers out there, it is obvious that I have an affinity for many things, Disney. Much of that has to do with its capacity to remind me of childhood, and for the positive memories I have with family and friends. I grew up watching old Disney cartoons on Sunday evenings with my siblings. They were good times and I remember them fondly and hope to give my children similar memories. Today, I was reviewing the old movie, "Songs of the South" made by Disney. It has been years since it was shown on TV. Despite the reasons for its discontinuation, I find the story of Brer Rabbit to be helpful. You have the main character, Brer Rabbit who was born and bred in a briar patch. When he got to the point where he didn't like it anymore, he left his home and went off to explore the world for himself. He eventually finds himself caught in the middle of a "Tar Baby," or a trap set for him by Brer Fox and Brer Bear. Brer Fox hopes to make a quick meal of him and Brer Bear wants to "knock his head clean off." Though it appears that he is about to meet a gruesome ending, Brer Rabbit convinces the Fox to throw him back into the briar patch where he was born. Though it is a harsh environment, he is familiar with it and able to handle it. We can look at this in a metaphorical sense. Many people are born into situations that may not be exactly optimal. Life gave them their own "briar patch" to be raised in. However, research demonstrates that life's difficulties can result in a type of psychological hardiness that would not be present if the person had not been otherwise exposed to hardships. That is not meant to say that some difficulties are harder than others, because they are. Simply put, many of life's challenges can become the stepping stones by which we can survive later difficulties. If you buy into Victor Frankl's ideas in "Man's Search for Meaning," he said that it does not matter what we ask of life, but rather what life asks of us. At times, life gives us things that are challenging as if to ask us "what are you going to do with that, now?" We can use our prior experiences, whether they were easy or difficult to work through our own personal "Tar Babies." Therefore, when in difficult situations, it can be beneficial to think through prior struggles and come up with a plan with reasonable steps to work through it. And, if there are no steps, then leave it alone and see if things will resolve themselves. Of course, if you don't know the answer, that's when you turn to others such as family, a friend, a counselor, and/or your spiritual beliefs to work through them. Dr Law

Post-Modern Prometheus and Apocalyptic Premeditations

Truthfully, the title has nothing to do with this blog-article (or blarticle as I like to call them). However, it made you wonder "Hmm, what the heck is this about?"In that case, if you're already reading, you may as well finish. I had an interesting conversation today with a peer. She is an excellent clinician and has wonderful insight. She reminded me how much I still have to learn in the field as a counselor, a supervisor, and an educator and I'm grateful for that. We were discussing how people have gifts, talents, and strengths that sometimes go untapped. She brought up the idea that at times individuals may have gifts that are untapped--that perhaps they recognize them, yet do not wish to recognize them; therefore, they avoid exercising them and may even go to the point of denying they have them. My response to her was something like this: "Well, that would make sense. If someone has an innate gift of capacity and they are not using it, then they are not accountable to it and they have less responsibility, because less is required of them." I'm sure my words were less than this with her, but it was something to that extent. The conversation was short and it made me reflect on myself and what talents I keep "hidden" or "dormant" and why. It also left me wondering what would happen if I did awaken them and used them. What would the result be? I suppose that it would result in more requirements; however, it might also mean that I feel or believe that I am feeling more fulfilled; thus, moving towards a higher level of self-actualization (to speak in Maslow's words). Furthermore, it caused me to realize that in order to do this, it would require me to pursue a higher level of vulnerability with others, which is something that is uncomfortable to me, and to many others. Therefore, do I forget my discomfort and/or lean into it or don't I? I guess one would lean into the discomfort and pursue a higher plane if they had a belief that it did lead to self-actualization. Or, it could mean that they believe that the Universe or a Higher Power has afforded them the gifts for the betterment of others and themselves. Ultimately, all of these things mean the same thing and require the same effort--i.e. a forgetting of one's discomfort, a trust in the existential process of life, and a hope that something fulfilling will come of it. Therefore, leaning into the discomfort would be a positive, yet uncomfortable means to an end--that end meaning the growth of the untapped gift, talent or capacity that would otherwise remain dormant, unused and/or completely lost; not doing anything positive or negative for others or oneself. I suppose that this may just be a brief rambling, but I wonder what others think about this subject…let's see if anyone responds. Also, it could just mean that I read too much and think too much and should spend more time watching TV and vegging out. Dr Jamison Law

A Kick In The Teeth: Walt Disney Says It's OK

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me...You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you..." Walt Disney Well, there you have it. As I've stated before in this blog, I'm a fan of Walt Disney. Not because I think he was a Saint or some perfect example to pattern my life by. Not a chance. Even he, in the biographies I've read stated that he isn't someone he wanted others to emulate. He said that he swore, told dirty jokes, smoked too much (which ultimately took his life), and drank alcohol. At times, it's been said that he could be overly difficult to work with and even condescending. However, I do appreciate learning about an individual who experiences great odds and difficulties and comes out at the end verifiably happy or content with his life. At one point I liked to study the life of Abraham Lincoln who also struggled and had amazing quotes such as: "I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day." My brief message today, and probably for the next month is for us to remember our struggles and look back at what we have learned. We learn to find meaning and to trust the most important things to remain and the things that are not important to go away. I have been through difficult times and found that family and God are all that matter. Now, I watch other family and friends, and even our country experience difficult times. Whether self-inflicted or not, I believe that there is a Higher Power that is allowing the good and bad to occur and that each one of them is an opportunity to learn and to trust Him. Because, in the end, if there is truly a God, and He is all powerful and knowledgeable, and that He allows things to occur for our benefit, then all of this is a means to an end. And, if He is a God or a Father of me, then His end for me is better than anything that I can imagine, because I do not have all knowledge. Thus, trusting in His means, it will result in an End that will be beneficial more than I can imagine or than what others may imagine. However, because He is not directly in front of me, I look to other examples of those who have struggled to find strength when I do not have strength. Research shows that self-efficacy can be developed by looking to mentors. Mentors must be those who we see have similarities with ourselves in some way. Therefore, I enjoy quotes such as Walt Disney's or Abraham Lincoln's--both men who overcame a lot. That's all for now. Jamison Law

Children Stuck In Between Parents

Over the past several years I have had the opportunity to work with children and teens who are stuck in between their parents. The parents have either gone through and completed a custody and divorce battle or they are still in the thick of it. The one thing I have witnessed as a therapist is how it affects children. It does not matter the reason for the divorce, the children still feel fiercely loyal to both parents. When one parent speaks poorly of the other and vice-versa, it does not create a stronger alliance between child and parent, it creates confusion and existential anxiousness for the child. They can begin to exhibit symptoms of mental health disorders such as isolation, anger and behavioral outbursts, aggression, sadness/melancholy, grades drop, etc. In some cases, there were situations of abuse that resulted in the divorce. This can create even more confusion. An abuser can speak poorly of the survivor and vice-versa. When the situation is already highly emotional, and the environment has been emotionally and possibly verbally unsafe, the added stressors of witnessing parents can increase the pathological problems the child is experiencing. It can affect their psychosocial development (see information on Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development), change the direction of their attachment style (see info by John Bowlby and attachment), and possibly cause the child to feel alienated in the family. All of these sound very negative and damaging, and they can be. There is always, in my mind, a silver lining to struggles. Children can grow up and with or without professional or social help, they can recover and be stronger. Existential crises can lead to resiliency and personal growth (see info on Martin Seligman's theories of Positive Psychology). In the end, I would prefer to see children treated gently when there are battles raging in the family so that they can grow up and decide for themselves what to believe about their parents. As children, they might not be cognitively ready to make those decisions, yet. Just my thoughts on the subject... Dr. Jamison Law

All I Wanted Was A Diet Mt. Dew!

I went to the 7-11 to get a Diet Mt. Dew. It had been a very long day at that point. The cashier asked if I would be interested in buying a snack, which I did. Then, upon leaving, and feeling great about my purchase (particularly the Mt. Dew), I heard a loud high-pitched voice. I turned to see a scene of a mother yelling at her toddler child for not sitting on the ground while she browsed the movie section. I saw two other children, who I assumed to be hers also walking around. She appeared distraught or frustrated or a combination of the two. As I opened my car door, I began to wonder what that mom had experienced that day. By no means was I judging her for her actions with her toddler. I can't imagine the toddler enjoyed being yelled at, but I've been in her shoes...a long day at the office, grading lots of school papers, and returning home to disgruntled children and me wanting to "blow up." The amount of stress and anxiousness she must have been feeling was apparent in her body movement, her facial expressions, her actions with her child, etc. I can imagine her body is being flooded with stress hormones and adrenaline at those times, and that over time it will wear down her body, her capacity to think and react in a rational and emotionally constructive manner. It sounds exhausting. I only say this, because I have felt it before, just as most of us do. Rather than focus on the moment, though, I would wonder what might help this woman to feel more calm generally, so that when stressful moments come her fuse is not shortened. Some thoughts come to mind with how to deal with day-to-day stressors. Most of them are behaviorally and cognitive in nature.

1. Organize and prioritize: I know that we all have many responsibilities. Organize them and prioritize them according to importance. Sometimes, even important things need to be put aside for a time. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if we can't get everything done NOW.

2. Ask for help: Life becomes overwhelmingly stressful when we feel alone. I wonder who that woman had to turn to for help. At times it requires a little bit of creativity to provide ourselves with respite, even if it is only at night when the kids are asleep. However, there is usually someone to turn to. Some examples are having friends to trade off with for babysitting when needed. Family members, church or club members, etc. Find someone.

3. Take time for yourself: This is something that is not done enough in society. Life is too busy. Give yourself time to slow things down and take a few moments to read a chapter in a book; call a friend; write in a journal; drink a soda (or something else you like--preferrably healthy); or write a blog!

4. Self-inventory: Make a list of the things that you say to yourself or mutter under your breath regarding yourself. What is positive and growth-promoting? What is not? Negative self-talk must be replaced.

If you have any other ideas, share them in the comments section.

Pirates of the Caribbean!

My family and I just returned from an extended vacation in Californa and Disneyland. My all-time favorite ride is Pirates of the Caribbean. The creativity, the music, the ghosts, and of course, the saying "Dead Men Tell No Tales" continues to ring in my ears even a week after leaving. At ofttimes while meandering through the cursed coves in the rugged boat I wonder what would happen if the ride broke down, the lights would come on, and what I might see. I am afraid that the fun illusions might lose their luster and appeal if I could see the ride in its true form. I might see more fully the warehouse walls and ceilings, faded painting and chipped characters. The lights would change my perception and beliefs of the make-believe world Walt Disney envisioned.
Many times, our life is similar to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We live with a certain beliefs in ourselves in the warehouse of our mind and hearts, believing them to be true. Our internal warehouse may be filled with shadows and meandering corridors that though comfortable, are not an accurate representation of reality. It is only when the lights turn on that we see the illusion. We can learn that the things we believe about ourselves and our value and self-worth are incorrect. We find that the dimness obscures our vision of the luminous people we are with infinite value and capacity. How often do we dim ourselves out or let others dim us to maintain in relative comfort that can actually damage our personal growth?
I had a conversation about this with an individual recently. We were discussing how their fear of change is like a shroud of comfort that kept them from moving forward. They even admitted, (quite wisely I might add) that fear is comfortable and safe, because it is predictable and stable. Facing the fear and trying something new can be even more frightening, because it requires looking into the unknown, trying new things, and even failing. I told the individual that when Disneyland first opened, the streets got so hot from the weather that the asphalt began to melt, and that attractions did not work as planned. It could have been considered a failure or flop, but somebody kept trying. Very similar to how Thomas Edison continued trying until he succeeded with making the first practical commercial light bulb (he wasn't the first to make the light bulb--just clarifying that). The only way to change is to try, which will require not succeeding the first time--and that is okay! It is only after trying many times that we discover more about how to do it correctly, and little by little the light turns on, the illusion fades, and we see who we truly are.
Although, I hope the Pirates of the Caribbean never breaks down. That's an illusion I enjoy!

Practical Ways to Begin Change

For those who want to work on personal change, here are some solution-focused steps.

1. Awareness: Be aware of what you want to change and have a final goal. How do you want to be when it's all said and done? Write it down!

2. Steps: What is the first step you need to take? Most of the time, it is just trying. The first step is the hardest, because we're afraid it will fail. However, the truth is (turn the light on now) that we truly never fail unless we try. It's part of the process. Failure is when we do not try or even begin.
Once you begin, work at BEING what you want to BECOME. William James said that it is better to act into the correct way of thinking than to think your way into the correct way of acting. It's hard to do, but it's supposed to be. You're exercising muscles you've never used. You'll be emotionally and mentally sore, just as you would after a few workouts.

3. Pat yourself on the back: Give yourself encouragement, even if you don't want to. Act into the correct way of giving yourself encouragement.

4. Endure: Don't quit. If you need to take a break, that is okay; however, don't quit.

Hope these are helpful. If you have any other suggestions that you have used, or want more specific information, let me know.

I Promise, It's Fun! Parent-Child Individual Time.

This is a continuation of prior blarticles (blog articles) I wrote regarding being more like our children and learning from them. Many times I have parents who bring their children into the office and say that they don't enjoy doing anything; they act bored; they seem ADD; they argue and don't show respect for adults, etc. After spending time with the kids I find that they are craving parent time. When I discuss it with the parents, they sometimes describe a life of stress and busy-ness with no time for rest or relaxation--let alone play with their children. This blarticle is about how to make small moments with our children to strengthen our homes and our children.
Much of this, I can say I have not learned from classes, or even counseling experiences, but rather from my own children. The other day I asked my six-year-old daughter what makes her feel happy inside. She said that she loves it when "daddy has movie night with us...and you make popcorn and we watch the movie together." My eight-year-old son will say that he is happy when daddy and mommy are happy and especially when daddy is not grumpy (woops!). He also gets excited when we have movie-night, play catch, or play a Wii game. I find it easy to forget these things due to the day-to-day stressors and business of life. I was again reminded of these important things as I listened to a young client describe the video games they play with their father. It was the first time I had ever seen this child light-up, stay on task and focus. They described in detail the games they play and how it feels when they do not play them together. It seems, as simple as it may be, that the little things in our children's lives make the biggest difference. If you have a hard time playing, then try to remember what it was like to be a child and the joys of playing. If you didn't enjoy playing as a child, watch children and mimmick them. It's easy, and the rewards are a happy home and positive developmental growth for yourself and your children. You can't lose!

Homelessness Part 2 and more...

In working with the homeless man I mentioned in a prior blog, I realized how difficult it would be for one who has never had social interaction to develop a relationship. It left me wondering how someone who was raised in a volatile and/or neglectful environment could truly develop a positive and long-lasting relationship. My reasoning for this thought is due to child development. A child goes through stages of development. Many theorists, such as Piaget and Erikson describe some of these stages. I will not discuss these stages in this article, though it is important to understand that there is sufficient data to support the idea of human developmental stages. Though they are not the be-all end-all, they can describe and provide a point of reference when studying human behaviors.
Back to the point at hand...this particular person, as well as many others who have come through my door were not afforded the nurturing opportunities that children require to develop emotional, cognitive, and social competencies. This results in a developmental delay or crisis that slows their socialization to a snail crawl speed, where others may be jogging or some sprinting.
What can be done about it?
I have a few thoughts on this question. When one has not had the environment to grow in, I wonder if it is possible to provide one with the hopes that it would create a microcosm of a nurturing environment. For years, a friend of mine has had the dream of providing a therapeutic farm--a place within a city where the traumatized or others can come to heal. The farm would have small animals, gardens, trees, fields of grass, and places for people to come and socialize and work together. Holistic therapuetic services would be provided in buildings or houses on the property that fit with the decour and environment. A store with therapuetic books and toys would also be present for clients and professionals alike. Naturally, there is much more to it when it comes to the logistics, but the dream could be healing to some or many. The environment would be based on Maslow's Hierarchy, in that it would be safe, away from dangers of the world, filled with natural surroundings, and provide work even for those who need it (i.e. caring for the animals, gardens, trees, etc.).
As I think about such a place, I cannot help but wonder how it might benefit individuals to interact with one another, feel part of a small community that they can affect and mold. A place where they are accepted and with others with whom they have things in common. It's just a thought...

Resources
http://www.piaget.org/aboutPiaget.html
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2699/is_0001/ai_2699000120/