To Hate Or To Forgive...That Is the Question

Reality Show: 19 Kids and Counting

This reality show was recently brought to my attention, more specifically, the news that is rapidly spreading throughout social media regarding Josh, the older child of this family. It was indicated that a few years ago he had admitted to molesting a few of his siblings, and in turn, received counseling services. Furthermore, it was also stated that the survivors of the incident also received treatment. These types of scenarios are not ones that any one person enjoys reading about, as it opens up a realm of ridicule, doubt, judgement, and fear. I was amazed at many of the social media responses and comments made about Josh, as well as the survivors in addition to their family and religious beliefs. Therefore, I, like many others are undoubtedly doing decided to write a few remarks on scenarios such as these. 

It is difficult to be an outsider looking in when we hear about children having been sexually abused. As a counselor, I have heard over the years that one in four or even as high as one in three girls are sexually abused. One in four boys are, as well. It seems to be more commonplace than we know, yet it continues to be the frightening elephant in the room. Rather than look at it from a judgmental place, I’d rather look at it from a place of understanding. 

First, not all people who act out sexually in an inappropriate manner have been victims themselves. There can be a small correlation to this idea, but it is not a cause-effect relationship. There are many factors that play into a person acting out. Therefore, jumping to a conclusion that someone does this because it was done to them is not accurate. Also, religions that call for sexual purity or sexual abstinence do not lead to someone acting out. There is no cause-effect relationship, though on social media I have seen this said. Research does not support statements like these. Third, saying that the victims must come out into the open and tell their story is not always helpful, nor is it therapeutic. In fact, it can do the opposite. It can foster hate…and we all know what happens when hate is encouraged. 

Now, on to the victims or survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be a developmental life changer. I want to reiterate what I just said—it CAN be a developmental life changer. That means and implies that other factors must be involved such as support, age of the individual, psychosocial stage of development, cognitive development, etc. Sexual abuse introduces a very mature idea into a small mind and body that is not cognitively or socially ready for it. It also introduces strong physiological responses in a small mind and body that may not be ready for it. This can lead to confusion about sex, relationships, identity, and much more. However, it doesn’t have to be a game changer. Again, it is not a cause-effect relationship. Much can be said about the victim/survivor who comes out and talks about it, though it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are more or less healthy than those who keep it quiet. Much can be said about those who keep it quiet and work on it on their own without creating an environment of anger. The reason I say that, is because one social media responder indicated that the victims need to have a voice and be represented and speak out loud. This type of behavior can actually lead to ongoing symptomatic and behavioral problems, as well as fostering self-loathing, hatred, and mistrust. Anger and hate beget more anger and hate. Helping a person find meaning in their life after the abuse can foster inner peace, healing, understanding, and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness for the one who did the abuse. 

In the many hours I have spent working with people who have suffered through many types of trauma, I have yet to meet a person who fully healed that did not forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that one is okay with what happened to them or what they did to someone else. Forgiveness means letting go of all hope of a better past (not my saying, but a good one), and allowing the pain, sorrow, and suffering to go. Holding on to the pain and suffering only brings more pain and suffering. Again, I return to my prior statement that we all know what happens when hate is encouraged.

Finally, true healing can happen for both the victim/survivor and the perpetrator. It requires empathy on both sides. Empathy is being willing to walk with the individual, side-by-side, and to support them, not to enable them. Empathy can empower a person to have hope for a better future. A better future does not mean that they will be free from the memory of what was done, but rather that they can grow and develop into something stronger. They can find meaning from the suffering (yes, that is a very existentialist statement—for more information read Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning). The path to recovery from victimization or perpetration is not comfortable, but it is doable. Most of the time, you won’t find those stories in social media. Those people keep their stories to themselves, because they are sacred and personal. If a story fosters hate and confusion, there won’t be much healing there. 

If anyone has questions or comments, feel free to leave them…if they are negative and degrading, they will be deleted. My blog is not a place for that.

A Brief Spiritual Reminder

For a short time I had the privilege of working as the director of a 12 step-based inpatient facility with clients who were in substance dependence recovery. I had never worked with the 12 steps before as I had been inundated with Cognitive Behavioral Methods for several years. What attracted me to working at this facility was the idea that I could combine a spiritual-based approach with trauma-focused treatment. The prior director had begun developing a trauma-focused spiritually-based approach for recovery. It was fascinating! What I found to be very helpful for clients was the following:

1. Client needed to learn to give up control and surrender themselves to a Higher Power. It didn't matter what their idea of a Higher Power was, either. This could result in a state of humility (i.e. teachability) and trust (in their Higher Power, the facility, the other clients, and the clinical/administrative staff). It was a fascinating process to see clients with severe problems, typically co-morbid disorders, to begin to progress and recover.

2. Clients focused on the 12 step process and were required to go through the steps in order to complete treatment. This forced them to focus on others rather than themselves. It's amazing what happens to people when they forget themselves and work to help others.

3. The trauma-focused portion involved multiple methods such as Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing; Ego-state-based therapy; Trauma-focused CBT; Mindfulness Meditation and more. The goal was to help a client recover from the trauma they had experienced which ranged from childhood abuse in all of its forms, domestic violence, rape, neglect, etc.

What I most enjoyed was the sense of peace that a client could experience, as well as the staff, in knowing that a Higher Power was in charge of their lives and that they could ultimately put their trust in a Being or Idea that was greater than themselves.

Just food for thought!

Dr. Jamison Law

Hello Subconscious! Pull Up A Chair and Let's Have a Chat!

The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes the subconscious as "existing in the mind, but not immediately available to the conscious." Sigmund Freud used the term subconscious and unconscious interchangeably, though he meant it to be the part of our mind that we're not aware of. At times, I have described it as the part of our mind that is running everything in the background. It may be made up of our personal experiences, our culture, our perceptions of the world around us, our emotions at times, and many more things. It may include even the parts of our environment that we are not paying attention to (i.e. sounds, smells, etc.). I wonder at times what would happen if our subconscious was able to slip fully into our conscious. What might we be aware of? I imagine sitting with a client who is comfortably on my office couch (as comfortable as it could be--it's kind of worn-out). I tell them that in order to proceed with therapy, we must look into their subconscious and that I have invented a machine that can open it up like a computer file and project it all onto a screen in front of them. The purpose is to discover everything about them that they cannot remember and the things that they might not even want to know; and that by opening everything up, they can learn to accept and/or reject things about their beliefs, culture, values, cognitive processes, emotional responses, and behaviors that do not fit into the person they wish they were, or think they are. Therefore, after receiving their written consent and reviewing the possible discomforts they might encounter (of course, I use an informed consent as I am an ethical clinician), I press the tell-tale button on my desk and there is a whirring sound that slowly crescendoes as the machine (use your imagination) begins to open up their mind and project it onto the screen. The machine interprets the subconscious and separates the scenes and words into subtypes so that the screen shoes a series of files. They might be separated into childhood stages (this is psychology after all), ages, or maybe even into emotional responses such as "happy memories," "shame-based memories" or something along those lines. At first the client might want to review memories he/she doesn't remember. The images might be of early infancy and childhood. Those memories that very few of us have due to a lack of awareness, or whatever reason our minds don't hold on to them. Many of these memories might come out as a "Aaaawww, that is cute" or "Wow, I didn't know that happened." Some memories might bring up positive emotions and others might bring on feelings of shame. After a few minutes of nostalgic reflection, it's time to do some work. I might say to the client, "Well, it looks like the technology is in-sync with your neural net (sounds Star Trek-like, doesn't it?), we can proceed with the reason you came to counseling." I then review the things the client said in the intake interview, which usually aren't happy. I mean, who hires a therapist when life is going great? Let's say that this client had one or several difficult experiences that they cannot get out of their mind, or that replay over and over in their dreams, when they're awake, or they replay them behaviorally. They can't quite figure out why, either. So, I ask the client, "If we could classify all of these things you're struggling with, what work or set of words would you use to describe them?" The client takes a moment and responds "Ashamed" or "Weak" or "Scared." Again, these are just words, but they mean something to him/her. So, I review the files and pull up all information on those words along with any associations. I then say, "Well, if you'll remember, we already went over how to breathe and calm your emotions when they feel too strong. We will use those, now. We will move at your pace. Are you ready?" The client pauses and responds that he/she is. "Okay, here we go." At this point, I am not going to impose my ideas on how it would go, necessarily. I can't predict with perfect accuracy and experience with clients has demonstrated that my predictions can be wrong. The reader's guess is as good as mine that the emotional response will not be one of comfort and warmth. However, at the end of the review, I would then say to the client that we are not quite done, yet. I would tell them that they did great and commend them for their courage. Then, I would say that we had only reviewed the memories, but that the subconscious part of him/her was not present. I would open then point to a toggle on the underside of my desk and explain that when I flip the toggle, their subconscious will appear and tell them what all of the memories mean. What the client believes the memories say about themselves. How it affects their worldview, and how it has affected their belief in their own value and self-worth. Personally, I think this is the scariest part, and yet the most important. The memories may be painful, but it's how they changed the person that results in continued pain. Again, with their permission, I flip the toggle and there is the sound of static (or maybe the sound that the Transporter makes on The Starship Enterprise--I don't know), and seated next to them appears their subconscious. At first, it is somewhat surprising. Maybe the subconscious looks just like the client, or maybe not. Maybe it takes the appearance of a wise old Chinese Man sitting lotus style. I can only guess. At that point, the client and subconscious begin to talk and the subconscious speaks to him/her about the "truth" they believe in as a result of their bad experiences--maybe even about the client's own decisions/choices that were affected by the bad experiences. Everything is laid open and naked in its raw and primal form. My guess is that there would be some tears. There might even be some yelling. Denial might occur along with depression, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. At the end of it, I wonder if the client would feel exhausted, but at peace. Of course, this is just my ramblings while sitting in my office. However, I wonder how we might respond if our subconscious sat down for a while. Would we accept it, or reject it? You can decide, I suppose.

Captain Picard and His Views on Domestic Violence and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Below, you will find a link to a site where you will view a video of Patrick Stewart talking out against Domestic Violence. He speaks eloquently about his own experiences as a child--viewing his father harming his mother. He also speaks about his father who had PTSD and went untreated. I have always had great respect for this man, but my opinion of him has just increased. Check it out! http://www.upworthy.com/a-brave-fan-asks-patrick-stewart-a-question-he-doesnt-usually-get-and-is-given-a-beautiful-answer?g=3

Children Stuck In Between Parents

Over the past several years I have had the opportunity to work with children and teens who are stuck in between their parents. The parents have either gone through and completed a custody and divorce battle or they are still in the thick of it. The one thing I have witnessed as a therapist is how it affects children. It does not matter the reason for the divorce, the children still feel fiercely loyal to both parents. When one parent speaks poorly of the other and vice-versa, it does not create a stronger alliance between child and parent, it creates confusion and existential anxiousness for the child. They can begin to exhibit symptoms of mental health disorders such as isolation, anger and behavioral outbursts, aggression, sadness/melancholy, grades drop, etc. In some cases, there were situations of abuse that resulted in the divorce. This can create even more confusion. An abuser can speak poorly of the survivor and vice-versa. When the situation is already highly emotional, and the environment has been emotionally and possibly verbally unsafe, the added stressors of witnessing parents can increase the pathological problems the child is experiencing. It can affect their psychosocial development (see information on Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development), change the direction of their attachment style (see info by John Bowlby and attachment), and possibly cause the child to feel alienated in the family. All of these sound very negative and damaging, and they can be. There is always, in my mind, a silver lining to struggles. Children can grow up and with or without professional or social help, they can recover and be stronger. Existential crises can lead to resiliency and personal growth (see info on Martin Seligman's theories of Positive Psychology). In the end, I would prefer to see children treated gently when there are battles raging in the family so that they can grow up and decide for themselves what to believe about their parents. As children, they might not be cognitively ready to make those decisions, yet. Just my thoughts on the subject... Dr. Jamison Law

Trauma and Resiliency, Responsibility, and Agency...What a Boring Title!

The following is an excerpt from an unpublished paper I wrote on psychological resiliency after enduring a difficult or traumatic event. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts

Focus on responsibility and agency.

Several clients come into our offices talking about their individual traumas and how they have made things difficult for them. They also talk about how it has affected their relationship with the perpetrator(s), other close people, the community, and God. Many of them have guilt and blame themselves and/or hold severe grudges and harbor anger and hate towards the perpetrators. At times they question why life has been more difficult for them than for others and how they were dealt such a poor hand. The following is going to be more of an explanation based on psychology and spirituality in hopes to answer some of the questions.

Traumatized clients’ relationships change and function on a level that deviates from the norm. Much of that is due to the trust that has been broken time and time again. In Maslow’s heirarchy of needs, their level of safety, love, and esteem have not been established or maintained. Therefore, their ability to self-actualize (Maslow’s hierarchy) is not possible. The only level that is actually, at times, maintained is their physiological needs (i.e. food, water, shelter, etc.), though that can be in question with neglected children/childhood as well. On the level of safety, an individual must feel comfortable and secure in their environment with minimal attack on their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self. If attacked, their capacity for moving to the higher hierarchical needs is diminished. They may struggle with giving and receiving love or having esteem for themselves and others. Thus, can be a large factor with esteem. When a client has been traumatized time and time again they begin to lose trust with initially the perpetrator, and then it can spread to others who are close to them, the community, and to God (depending on their beliefs). Recently, a client (whose name we’ll call Matthew) disclosed horrific traumas from his childhood. Much of it involved abuse and neglect from his family and a large part involved a neighbor who befriended then molested him time and time again. He did not trust his family for help so endured the continued abuse. He described other economic difficulties, physical health problems, and general loneliness. He asked why it is that he was given a difficult life. He felt that it must have been something he did to deserve the pain and suffering without much respite. To try to escape the pain he had attempted suicide many times, though without success. When asking why he had to suffer I explained something to him, that I hope will help others. First and foremost, everyone has the right to act (free will). Anyone can do what they want. Whether they are conscious of the results depends on each individual. Some people, however, have made the choices to act against others in a way that is harmful, degrading, and usually self-serving. Such acts can be considered abusive, because it is in an attempt to remove or negate another’s free will and control them or change their acts. Such self-serving acts do not serve the victim (the receiver of the self-serving acts) in any positive ways. It can change the victim’s life perspective (specifically on relationships) and attacks their general need for safety (Maslow’s hierarchy). Therefore, the abuser (the one who acts self-servingly) is responsible for their acts and how it affected the victim. Responsibility lies solely with them and none other, especially the victim. Therefore, the victim is not the guilty party. The guilty party in the technical sense is only the abuser. Guilty signifies “1 : justly chargeable with or responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct or a crime. 2 obsolete : justly liable to or deserving of a penalty” according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary. Therefore, it is not possible for the victim to be guilty for the self-serving act when they were the individual being acted upon rather than acting. Matthew blamed himself as that was the only logical reason he could come up with. Why else would it happen if there wasn’t something so terribly wrong with him or his character–something innate that called to abusers “Here I am! Hurt me! That’s what I’m here for!” The truth of the matter is that each person can act in whichever way that they please, selflessly or selfishly.
That brings us to the next point that Matthew brought up, which is also a point other clients have made regarding God. If God was a merciful and a just God, how is it that he could let such terrible things happen to undeserving people and let the abusers go unpunished? At that point one can revert back to free will. If free will is truly something that exists, an ability given to all to act; and God is God–all powerful and all knowing with the ability to do what He wants, would he not allow the individual to exercise their free will “according to the dictates of their own conscience?” Any other way would be tyrannical, dictatorial and contraindicative of what free will is.

The power of free will is that many can exercise it in a way achieve Maslow’s highest achievement which is self-actualization. In spite of the difficulties one has faced, or the traumas caused, one can utilize and strengthen their ability to act to achieve safety and overcome the trauma–thus developing resiliency.

There are no guarantees with behavior, thoughts, or emotions. There can be guarantees with action due to agency and responsibility.

Mental Health In War-torn Afghanistan

It puts things into perspective when one reads how easy it is to go to a doctor and get antidepressants or receive a referral to see a therapist in our U.S. communities (generally speaking), when you read the following:

http://blog.ted.com/2010/09/29/helping-afghan-people-find-peace-of-mind-inge-missmahl-on-ted-com/

At one point, there was only a dozen or so therapists in Afghanistan, which is a war-torn and traumatized country. Read this brief message and/or watch the attached video to learn more about it. It does change the idea of how truly blessed we are in a free country.

Jamison

Living the Pirate's Code to Become a Man! (or something like that).

As a therapist, I am always looking for new ideas on how to build a relationship with a client and help them to discover for themselves what they need to do to change. Back when I started I had all kinds of time to think up new creative methods. I was working mainly with children at the time and the movie Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl had been released. I was amazed at how attractive the idea of being a pirate was to children. In fact, one little boy would use toy swords in our play therapy center and try to re-enact (with me) the scene where Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner dual in the blacksmith shop. He knew the scene word for word and even tried to do the footwork. It was fun, all except for the bruises I would get on my hands and fingers. When I say dual, I mean that I would stand there and try to not let the kid hit me.
This activity brought to mind the possibility to create a level-based play-therapy treatment program for kids who were struggling with behaviors. I began to research information on pirates and piracy (i.e. hierarchy on a ship; how money was divvied out; responsibilities of each individual on a ship; the pirates’ code, etc.). I found the information intriguing. So, I spent a few weeks writing up a treatment protocol for individual and group therapy based on the ideas of pirate hierarchy. I was only able to use some of the principles (due to funding) with some of the kids. They loved it, and I had fun with it! I wish I would have had more resources to do it at the time. It was specifically tailored for boys, rather than girls, but could have been adapted.
Below is some of the information and ideas I compiled. It was just a fun “idea” and anyone is free to read it. I think I had been in the industry only for about a year when I started thinking it up. If anyone takes any ideas from it, just remember where you got it from. If you use it, modify it, and turn it into something big, I will only require a 10% payment of everything you make. Just kidding.
The title of the program was “Becoming A Man.”
This program will serve teenage and latency age populations, both boys and girls. The concern is that many of the positive characteristics and traits from older generations are not being learned by today’s generations. The reasons are not important, nor are they an emphasis in this approach.

This program will involve an individual, group, and family therapeutic approach. The group therapy approach will be primary and the individual and family secondary. The goal of the treatment program is to provide a naturalistic therapeutic environment and activities that foster positive trait and characteristic growth, therapeutic healing, relationship building, and life skills training. It will be an 8 to 12 week program that is open/closed. Open, in that it will constantly be cycling through the objectives and activities so that anybody can join during any point of the process. Thus it is a continuous group without beginning or end. Closed in that once a person joins the group they and their parents or caregivers must sign a contract to complete the regime once it has begun. If a client misses a session then the group will hold a council to agree if the client should be allowed to come back into the group. The point of this is to teach the child the importance of loyalty to a group and integrity–fulfilling their word. It is recognized that there are valid reasons for missing a set appointment. It will still continue with a group council as this will foster growth for the group who will serve as merciful judges of the situation. The group must learn to work together and be compassionate in all situations.

The program will have three tiers or levels that a client can graduate from. The first is attaining and incorporating positive traits and characteristics. These include morality, responsibility, respect, integrity, loyalty, courage, spirituality, team work, and trust (this is not the final list). The objective is to provide activities and experiential interventions that foster growth and dvelopment of these traits and characteristics. Some of the desired activities will include ropes course, natural group dynamics, games (outdoor–capture the flag), wildernes survival skills training, campfire groups, drum circles, and various character tests that will be provided at random without notice. The tests will be done in a manner that appears natural and ordinary. One example will be to leave a large bill (money) out in the open where the kids meet for their group. They will be unsupervised at this point (as if the therapist had stepped out of the room). The test is to see what the group will do about the money being left out in the open. The therapist will not ask about the money upon return and act as if all is normal until the group starts. Then, the therapist will confront the group about the money, unless it is not brought up by the clients. This will test their integrity and honesty. Another example will be derived from the Parable of the Talents from the New Testament where they will be entrusted with an object and instructed to “make it grow.”
Other activities will be trust walks (preferably in a natural setting where there are trees and obstacles to challenge the clients. The clients will also be required to maintain an active exercise regimen which they will keep track of and be required to reach specific goals. Thus, they have many responsibilities to carry out. The main desire, also, is to provide an outdoor setting that has been purchased for the clinic that has natural resources, places to build a ropes course, and the capability of including possible farm animals such as sheep, etc. The purpose is to include animal care as a way to increase responsibility for others.

The therapeutic healing aspect will be incorporated as a part of the group process. Naturally, many clients will have specific traumas and difficulties that they have not yet been able to overcome. Sand-tray work, EMD/R, and other non-traditional trauma resoution therapies will be provided on an individual basis. Those treatment goals will be individual to meet each client’s special needs. Many of these clients will have witnessed difficult things to comprehend and thus will need a compassionate and empathetic therapist to guide them through this process. The individual appointments will be made on a client-to-client basis. The main goals of the individual therapy will be to decrease symptoms related to trauma and provide individual life skills training to maintain personal mental and emotional health. Thus, the program will maintain the general purpose of the Trauma Awareness and Treatment Center.










BECOMING A MAN–A PROGRAM FOR BOYS AND YOUNG MEN
The purpose of this approach is to help young boys (ages 7-18) develop a strong foundation of attributes, traits, and characteristics that will help them survive as a strong person in society. The ideas were thought up after working with young boys and men who had been abused by a father figure, been through a divorce, or have never had a male role model. Most of these boys in this clinic have behavioral problems, lack of insight, past traumas, and other mental health problems. The hope is to help them become motivated through positive and negative consequences/reinforcements, achieving goals all while having a fun time in a positive therapeutic environment and a growth promoting home. The program ideas are not only based on helping motivate the child, but also to help the child’s primary caretaker become an integral part of the process.

THE PROCESS
1. Choose a male role model or more than one. Do research on them to describe what makes them a man and worthy of being emulated. 1 pg minimum. You may have the help of a parent or someone else that you choose.

2. Choose a few specific personal values and characteristics that define a man. (These attributes will be added to an already existing list to accentuate the personal values of the client). These attributes will be what constitute the treatment objectives–an increase in their ability to use and portray these values while decreasing negative symptoms and behaviors. The goal of the treatment is to create a foundation upon which the clients can build their own character.

3. The reward/consequence system will be progressive leading towards the final goal and objectives as stated in 2. The rewards will become greater with the client’s therapeutic progress and responsibilities. Therefore, the increase in rewards must have a positive correlation to the increase of positive behaviors and responsibilities as outlined by the treatment objectives.
The child will maintain a journal or “crew log” of his assignments, daily observations, and positive and negative consequences. Each week he will be given two assignments from the treatment objectives and will receive small consequences for his actions, be they positive or negative. There must be a certain percentage of his ability to complete the assignments for him to progress to the next level. Each new level will involve new responsibilities on top of the prior responsibilities. Therefore, with each rank he attains, we will receive a greater reward plus greater responsibilities. The rewards will be defined in the description of each level.

4. The child’s parent(s) or caretaker(s) MUST be highly involved and follow through with the reward/consequence system. It requires consistency and love. It may also be necessary to involve other systems that are influential to the child. I.e. teachers, schools, clubs, other therapeutic centers.

5. The negative consequences must be awarded at the moment of the negative behavior, but in a positive manner that will give motivation for continued change and growth. I.e. “Reproving betimes with sharpness...and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him when thou has reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the chords of death. Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men...” Doctrine and Covenants 121: 43-45. Thus the caretaker’s job is to provide a safe loving environment that fosters healing and change. If this is not provided the progress WILL FAIL. A parent will need to follow a love and logic approach to the consequence and reward system. They must not reward the child with anger or demeaning words as this will cancel out any other reward or consequence. The parent must display patience and good faith in their child despite their behaviors. However, the parent will provide the appropriate consequence for negative behaviors. The consequence would be best if it were related to the negative behavior. Most importantly as well, the child needs to have positive reinforcements that outweigh the negative. The rewards and consequences must be documented by a simple tally mark every day, as well as the completion of specific treatment assignments and the display of objective completions.

6. The actual treatment interventions will be pragmatic to fit each child’s unique neds. It will involve, however, modeling, psychoeducation, trauma resolution (all methods), parent training, experiential therapy, personal journaling, etc.

7. Each level will have a meaning with value to the client. They will be ranked and must be something personal and of intrinsic value to give the client a sense of pride, honor, and growth. (Boys Scouts program). The program is to serve as a right of passage of growth into manhood. The pirate ship and crew system will be used currently as a description of levels. Also, Black Bart Roberts democratic-like system will be implemented, although modified to fit the program.

8. The program will involve outcome measures. The BASC or Achenbach will be administered before and after to measure symptoms/behavior progress. There will also be brief symptom/behavior measures filled out weekly by the primary caretaker (use Joe’s children’s group measure).

Attributes and Characteristics of a Man

What Makes a Man a Man?
A man...
1. Is respectful of others despite their age;
2. Does not take advantage of others or hurt others purposely;
3. Gives respect to other men, women, girls, and children despite their race, ethnic group, or religion;
4. Is honest;
5. Will emote (talk about what he feels and thinks in an assertive manner) effectively and not act aggressively;
6. Is responsible for the charges/jobs that have been given to him and for his own actions;
7. Kind and loving and knows how to discipline in a positive manner.
8. Works hard;
9. Can accept criticism (and knows that he is always growing and developing, therefore he can acknowledge his strengths and weaknesses);
10. Can provide for, and protect his family in an effective manner.


One example of a man that can be emulated is the 16th US President, Abraham Lincoln. Information on his life and character can be found from multiple sources. Not only was he the President, but he was a man who suffered from severe depression, but found the inner strength and motivation to maintain a strong quality of life. He overcame many downfalls and unsuccess.
The following is a beautiful poem written by Walt Whitman after President Lincoln’s assassination. It describes Lincoln as a Captain of a ship that had “weather’d every rack,” yet was victorious in its purpose and ended in his death.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900.

193. O Captain! My Captain!


1

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart! 5
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

2

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills; 10
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck, 15
You’ve fallen cold and dead.

3

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won; 20
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

The level system of this program will be derived from the Pirate Code, mainly due to the semi-democratic nature of how their ships were run. Although their goal was to pilage and plunder, they had to maintain a “tight ship” in order to attain their ultimate design. The following is a brief explanation of their semi-democratic nature and a Pirate Code by Black Bar Roberts. The point of using this as a level system is to provide a fun nature to the process. Afterall, what child is not enthralled with the prospect of being like Captain Jack Sparrow from “Pirates of the Caribbean?”

The Pirate Code: Democracy among Thieves

Though no universal code of conduct was acknowledged by all, many pirate captains established a set of rules with which each crew member was expected to comply while on board.

Many of these social contracts were remarkably democratic for their time and place in the world. As pirates, sailors had an unprecedented level of control of their destiny. In an assault to the traditional command structure at sea, pirate captains allowed the crew to vote in a new captain if a dispute warranted it. Good leaders gathered the support of their men, and many well-known pirates achieved their stature not by force, but by majority vote!

Another revolutionary concept was the pirate welfare system. Crew members injured in battle were given compensation for their injuries on a sliding scale of severity. A leg, for example, would have been worth more than an eye.

The eleven-article contract below was used by Black Bart Roberts. It must have been effective, for he was one of the most successful pirates of all time—capturing more than 400 ships over the 30-month span of his career.

The Pirate Code of Black Bart Roberts

1. Every man shall have an equal vote in affairs of moment. He shall have an equal title to the fresh provisions...
2. Every man shall be called fairly in turn by the list on board of prizes. But if they defraud the company to the value of even one dollar, they shall be marooned. If any man rob another he shall have his nose and ears slit, and be put ashore where he shall be sure to encounter hardships.
3. None shall game for money either with dice or cards.
4. The lights and candles shall be put out at eight at night, and if any of the crew desire to drink after that hour they shall sit upon the open deck without lights.
5. Each man shall keep his piece, cutlass and pistols at all times clean and ready for action.
6. No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death.
7. He that shall desert the ship or his quarters in time of battle shall be punished by death or marooning.
8. None shall strike another on board the ship, but every man's quarrel shall be ended on shore by sword or pistol...
9. No man shall talk of breaking up their way of living till each has a share of 1,000. Every man who shall become a cripple or lose a limb in the service shall have 800 pieces of eight from the common stock and for lesser hurts proportionately.
10. The captain and quartermaster shall each receive two shares of a prize, the master gunner and boatswain, one and one half shares, all other officers one and one quarter, and private gentlemen of fortune one share each.
11. The musicians shall have rest on the Sabbath Day...

http://www.piratesoul.com/piratelife_detail.aspx?id=1

LEVEL SYSTEM
Level 1: Powder Monkey–scrub brush and crew log. This term was first used in the British Navy for the very young men who made up most gun crews in the 17th century. In contrast to a pirate officer who was elected, these men were forced to perform what was some of the most dangerous work on the ship. They were harshly treated and rarely paid, and if they avoided being mortally wounded in their service, desertion was probably as attractive as having very little hope of being promoted.

Level 2: Gunner–pistol. A gunner would be the leader of any separate group manning artillery. His special skill would be in aiming, but he would oversee the four to six men required to take the gun through the steps of loading aiming, firing, resetting, and swabbing for the next load. He would also work to ensure the gun crew’s safety in avoiding dangerous overheating or excessive recoiling of the weapon. A master gunner would help to coordinate the timing and accuracy of the individual crews especially when a broadside was ordered.

Level 3: Boatswain–bag of gold. This position may be compared to the modern chief petty officer. A boatswain’s whistle. A ship of any size would require the boatswain to oversee several junior officers who would share his responsibility for the crew’s morale and work efficiency as well as the maintenance and repair of the hull, rigging, lines, sails, and anchors.

Level 4: Quartermaster/First Mate. Some pirate ship crews had this position as the captain’s right-hand man and the one who would assume his role if he were killed in battle or could no longer perform his duties. This was often considered the job of a lieutenant in a regular navy, and most pirate crews chose a quartermaster instead of a First Mate. A large portion of the captain’s traditional role and power into the hands of an elected quartermaster who became second-in-command and almost a co-captain through his representing the best interests of the crew. As a foreman, he was in charge of maintaining order, distributing rations and supplies delegating work, and guarding and dividing plunder. In fighting, the quartermaster decided what ships were worth it and often led any boarding party, ultimately deciding what loot to keep. When discipline or punishment was necessary, only he could give it, but even then it was with the agreement of the captain or the vote of the crew. He was more or less second in command.

Level 5 and Final Level–THE MAN OF MEN!: Captain. He was elected as a sort of president of the shaky ship democracy, someone already respected for their leadership and navigation skills who would be level-headed and decisive in the heat of battle. He had to be cut from a different mold, because previous experience had taught most that life at sea was harsh enough without an inexperienced or cruel leader making it worse. It was during engagements that this man would be expected to rise above and help bring victory, but in most other occasions on ship, he was more or less another voting member, delegating most of the everyday tasks to the quartermaster or other junior officer. In these times, he was to be an even-tempered father who maintained the barest level of discipline necessary to hold the family venture together. This father could be voted out and even thrown off if he became passive or wavering, went against the majority vote, became too brutal, or simply no longer performed his duties to the liking of the pirate ship crew.

SCORING SYSTEM

Finally, the following is one idea of how the consequence system can be tallied on a weekly basis. The desire is for the caretaker and the child to work together in maintaining a tally of the consequences and objectives that are completed during the week. The actual scoring system will be kept by the therapist. It is highly important for the caretaker to be objective during the weekly tallying.

All I Wanted Was A Diet Mt. Dew!

I went to the 7-11 to get a Diet Mt. Dew. It had been a very long day at that point. The cashier asked if I would be interested in buying a snack, which I did. Then, upon leaving, and feeling great about my purchase (particularly the Mt. Dew), I heard a loud high-pitched voice. I turned to see a scene of a mother yelling at her toddler child for not sitting on the ground while she browsed the movie section. I saw two other children, who I assumed to be hers also walking around. She appeared distraught or frustrated or a combination of the two. As I opened my car door, I began to wonder what that mom had experienced that day. By no means was I judging her for her actions with her toddler. I can't imagine the toddler enjoyed being yelled at, but I've been in her shoes...a long day at the office, grading lots of school papers, and returning home to disgruntled children and me wanting to "blow up." The amount of stress and anxiousness she must have been feeling was apparent in her body movement, her facial expressions, her actions with her child, etc. I can imagine her body is being flooded with stress hormones and adrenaline at those times, and that over time it will wear down her body, her capacity to think and react in a rational and emotionally constructive manner. It sounds exhausting. I only say this, because I have felt it before, just as most of us do. Rather than focus on the moment, though, I would wonder what might help this woman to feel more calm generally, so that when stressful moments come her fuse is not shortened. Some thoughts come to mind with how to deal with day-to-day stressors. Most of them are behaviorally and cognitive in nature.

1. Organize and prioritize: I know that we all have many responsibilities. Organize them and prioritize them according to importance. Sometimes, even important things need to be put aside for a time. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if we can't get everything done NOW.

2. Ask for help: Life becomes overwhelmingly stressful when we feel alone. I wonder who that woman had to turn to for help. At times it requires a little bit of creativity to provide ourselves with respite, even if it is only at night when the kids are asleep. However, there is usually someone to turn to. Some examples are having friends to trade off with for babysitting when needed. Family members, church or club members, etc. Find someone.

3. Take time for yourself: This is something that is not done enough in society. Life is too busy. Give yourself time to slow things down and take a few moments to read a chapter in a book; call a friend; write in a journal; drink a soda (or something else you like--preferrably healthy); or write a blog!

4. Self-inventory: Make a list of the things that you say to yourself or mutter under your breath regarding yourself. What is positive and growth-promoting? What is not? Negative self-talk must be replaced.

If you have any other ideas, share them in the comments section.

Pirates of the Caribbean!

My family and I just returned from an extended vacation in Californa and Disneyland. My all-time favorite ride is Pirates of the Caribbean. The creativity, the music, the ghosts, and of course, the saying "Dead Men Tell No Tales" continues to ring in my ears even a week after leaving. At ofttimes while meandering through the cursed coves in the rugged boat I wonder what would happen if the ride broke down, the lights would come on, and what I might see. I am afraid that the fun illusions might lose their luster and appeal if I could see the ride in its true form. I might see more fully the warehouse walls and ceilings, faded painting and chipped characters. The lights would change my perception and beliefs of the make-believe world Walt Disney envisioned.
Many times, our life is similar to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We live with a certain beliefs in ourselves in the warehouse of our mind and hearts, believing them to be true. Our internal warehouse may be filled with shadows and meandering corridors that though comfortable, are not an accurate representation of reality. It is only when the lights turn on that we see the illusion. We can learn that the things we believe about ourselves and our value and self-worth are incorrect. We find that the dimness obscures our vision of the luminous people we are with infinite value and capacity. How often do we dim ourselves out or let others dim us to maintain in relative comfort that can actually damage our personal growth?
I had a conversation about this with an individual recently. We were discussing how their fear of change is like a shroud of comfort that kept them from moving forward. They even admitted, (quite wisely I might add) that fear is comfortable and safe, because it is predictable and stable. Facing the fear and trying something new can be even more frightening, because it requires looking into the unknown, trying new things, and even failing. I told the individual that when Disneyland first opened, the streets got so hot from the weather that the asphalt began to melt, and that attractions did not work as planned. It could have been considered a failure or flop, but somebody kept trying. Very similar to how Thomas Edison continued trying until he succeeded with making the first practical commercial light bulb (he wasn't the first to make the light bulb--just clarifying that). The only way to change is to try, which will require not succeeding the first time--and that is okay! It is only after trying many times that we discover more about how to do it correctly, and little by little the light turns on, the illusion fades, and we see who we truly are.
Although, I hope the Pirates of the Caribbean never breaks down. That's an illusion I enjoy!

Practical Ways to Begin Change

For those who want to work on personal change, here are some solution-focused steps.

1. Awareness: Be aware of what you want to change and have a final goal. How do you want to be when it's all said and done? Write it down!

2. Steps: What is the first step you need to take? Most of the time, it is just trying. The first step is the hardest, because we're afraid it will fail. However, the truth is (turn the light on now) that we truly never fail unless we try. It's part of the process. Failure is when we do not try or even begin.
Once you begin, work at BEING what you want to BECOME. William James said that it is better to act into the correct way of thinking than to think your way into the correct way of acting. It's hard to do, but it's supposed to be. You're exercising muscles you've never used. You'll be emotionally and mentally sore, just as you would after a few workouts.

3. Pat yourself on the back: Give yourself encouragement, even if you don't want to. Act into the correct way of giving yourself encouragement.

4. Endure: Don't quit. If you need to take a break, that is okay; however, don't quit.

Hope these are helpful. If you have any other suggestions that you have used, or want more specific information, let me know.

Complex Trauma

Working in the trauma field for nearly three years has taught me the complexities of the human experience. Many clients who come into the clinic not only have experienced severe trauma, but they have identified with it, made it part of their personality and identity, been a direct contributor to the trauma thus being responsible for the trauma itself, or they stay in denial of the trauma to avoid guilt, shame, and responsibility. What makes the situation complex is that there are many layers to the trauma. There is the actual traumatic event(s), the person's interpretation of the events, the person's sense of identity with the trauma, the sense of responsibility, the guilt/shame involved with the trauma, the relationship with the trauma (i.e. if it was caused by a familiar person or situation). Therefore, there is no cookie cutter way to get to the trauma core and resolve everything all at once. There is too much to each individual to take into account every aspect to the trauma experience. The treatment then requires an eclectic and pragmatic approach. Many times, reality therapy is required in order to aid the client to come to grips with what truly happened and normalizing the effects. Some remain in consistent denial and avoid the truth or even lie to themselves or others. Some may even be directly involved with the trauma and responsible for it happened in one form or another. Such a situation is even more complex due to the underlying guilt and shame. If there are negative coping skills used to avoid the feelings of guilt and responsibility, that is just another layer that MUST be addressed and resolved before the trauma is resolved. One layer at a time.

A Few Points Regarding Trauma and Free Will

It is important to observe how such a characteristic can be developed even when trauma has been present. Several clients come into our offices talking about their individual traumas and how they have made things difficult for them. They also talk about how it has affected their relationship with the perpetrator(s), other close people, the community, and God. Many of them have guilt and blame themselves and/or hold severe grudges and harbor anger and hate towards the perpetrators. At times they question why life has been more difficult for them than for others and how they were dealt such a poor hand. The following is going to be more of an explanation based on psychology and spirituality in hopes to answer some of the above questions.
Traumatized clients’ relationships change and function on a level that deviates from the norm. Much of that is due to the trust that has been broken time and time again. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, their level of safety, love, and esteem have not been established or maintained. Therefore, their ability to self-actualize (Maslow’s hierarchy) is not possible. The only level that is actually, at times, maintained is their physiological needs (i.e. food, water, shelter, etc.), though that is questionable with neglected children/childhood as well. On the level of safety, an individual must feel comfortable and secure in their environment with minimal attack on their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self. If attacked, their capacity for moving to the higher hierarchical needs is diminished. They may struggle with giving and receiving love or having esteem for themselves and others. Thus, can be a large factor with esteem. When a client has been traumatized time and time again they begin to lose trust with initially the perpetrator, and then it can spread to others who are close to them, the community, and to God (depending on their beliefs). Recently, a client (whose name we’ll call Matthew) disclosed horrific traumas from his childhood. Much of it involved abuse and neglect from his family and a large part involved a neighbor who befriended then molested him time and time again. He did not trust his family for help so endured the continued abuse. He described other economic difficulties, physical health problems, and general loneliness. He asked why it is that he was given a difficult life. He felt that it must have been something he did to deserve the pain and suffering without much respite. To try to escape the pain he had attempted suicide many times, though without success. When asking why he had to suffer I explained something to him, that I hope will help others. First and foremost, everyone has the right to act (free will). Anyone can do what they want. Whether they are conscious of the results depends on each individual. Some people, however, have made the choices to act against others in a way that is harmful, degrading, and usually self-serving. Such acts can be considered abusive, because it is in an attempt to remove or negate another’s free will and control them or change their acts. Such self-serving acts do not serve the victim (the receiver of the self-serving acts) in any positive ways. It can change the victim’s life perspective (specifically on relationships) and attacks their general need for safety (Maslow’s hierarchy). Therefore, the abuser (the one who acts self-servingly) is responsible for their acts and how it affected the victim. Responsibility lies solely with them and none other, especially the victim. Therefore, the victim is not the guilty party. The guilty party in the technical sense is only the abuser. Guilty signifies “1 : justly chargeable with or responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct or a crime. 2 obsolete : justly liable to or deserving of a penalty” according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary. Therefore, it is not possible for the victim to be guilty for the self-serving act when they were the individual being acted upon rather than acting. Matthew blamed himself as that was the only logical reason he could come up with. Why else would it happen if there wasn’t something so terribly wrong with him or his character–something innate that called to abusers “Here I am! Hurt me! That’s what I’m here for!” The truth of the matter is that each person can act in whichever way that they please, selflessly or selfishly.
That brings us to the next point that Matthew brought up, which is also a point other clients have made regarding God. If God was a merciful and a just God, how is it that he could let such terrible things happen to undeserving people and let the abusers go unpunished? At that point one can revert back to free will. If free will is truly something that exists, an ability given to all to act; and God is God–all powerful and all knowing with the ability to do what He wants, would he not allow the individual to exercise their free will “according to the dictates of their own conscience?” Any other way would be tyrannical, dictatorial and contraindicative of what free will is.
The power of free will is that many can exercise it in a way achieve Maslow’s highest achievement which is self-actualization. In spite of the difficulties one has faced, or the traumas caused, one can utilize and strengthen their ability to act to achieve safety and overcome the trauma–thus developing resiliency.