Children Stuck In Between Parents

Over the past several years I have had the opportunity to work with children and teens who are stuck in between their parents. The parents have either gone through and completed a custody and divorce battle or they are still in the thick of it. The one thing I have witnessed as a therapist is how it affects children. It does not matter the reason for the divorce, the children still feel fiercely loyal to both parents. When one parent speaks poorly of the other and vice-versa, it does not create a stronger alliance between child and parent, it creates confusion and existential anxiousness for the child. They can begin to exhibit symptoms of mental health disorders such as isolation, anger and behavioral outbursts, aggression, sadness/melancholy, grades drop, etc. In some cases, there were situations of abuse that resulted in the divorce. This can create even more confusion. An abuser can speak poorly of the survivor and vice-versa. When the situation is already highly emotional, and the environment has been emotionally and possibly verbally unsafe, the added stressors of witnessing parents can increase the pathological problems the child is experiencing. It can affect their psychosocial development (see information on Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development), change the direction of their attachment style (see info by John Bowlby and attachment), and possibly cause the child to feel alienated in the family. All of these sound very negative and damaging, and they can be. There is always, in my mind, a silver lining to struggles. Children can grow up and with or without professional or social help, they can recover and be stronger. Existential crises can lead to resiliency and personal growth (see info on Martin Seligman's theories of Positive Psychology). In the end, I would prefer to see children treated gently when there are battles raging in the family so that they can grow up and decide for themselves what to believe about their parents. As children, they might not be cognitively ready to make those decisions, yet. Just my thoughts on the subject... Dr. Jamison Law

All I Wanted Was A Diet Mt. Dew!

I went to the 7-11 to get a Diet Mt. Dew. It had been a very long day at that point. The cashier asked if I would be interested in buying a snack, which I did. Then, upon leaving, and feeling great about my purchase (particularly the Mt. Dew), I heard a loud high-pitched voice. I turned to see a scene of a mother yelling at her toddler child for not sitting on the ground while she browsed the movie section. I saw two other children, who I assumed to be hers also walking around. She appeared distraught or frustrated or a combination of the two. As I opened my car door, I began to wonder what that mom had experienced that day. By no means was I judging her for her actions with her toddler. I can't imagine the toddler enjoyed being yelled at, but I've been in her shoes...a long day at the office, grading lots of school papers, and returning home to disgruntled children and me wanting to "blow up." The amount of stress and anxiousness she must have been feeling was apparent in her body movement, her facial expressions, her actions with her child, etc. I can imagine her body is being flooded with stress hormones and adrenaline at those times, and that over time it will wear down her body, her capacity to think and react in a rational and emotionally constructive manner. It sounds exhausting. I only say this, because I have felt it before, just as most of us do. Rather than focus on the moment, though, I would wonder what might help this woman to feel more calm generally, so that when stressful moments come her fuse is not shortened. Some thoughts come to mind with how to deal with day-to-day stressors. Most of them are behaviorally and cognitive in nature.

1. Organize and prioritize: I know that we all have many responsibilities. Organize them and prioritize them according to importance. Sometimes, even important things need to be put aside for a time. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if we can't get everything done NOW.

2. Ask for help: Life becomes overwhelmingly stressful when we feel alone. I wonder who that woman had to turn to for help. At times it requires a little bit of creativity to provide ourselves with respite, even if it is only at night when the kids are asleep. However, there is usually someone to turn to. Some examples are having friends to trade off with for babysitting when needed. Family members, church or club members, etc. Find someone.

3. Take time for yourself: This is something that is not done enough in society. Life is too busy. Give yourself time to slow things down and take a few moments to read a chapter in a book; call a friend; write in a journal; drink a soda (or something else you like--preferrably healthy); or write a blog!

4. Self-inventory: Make a list of the things that you say to yourself or mutter under your breath regarding yourself. What is positive and growth-promoting? What is not? Negative self-talk must be replaced.

If you have any other ideas, share them in the comments section.

I Promise, It's Fun! Parent-Child Individual Time.

This is a continuation of prior blarticles (blog articles) I wrote regarding being more like our children and learning from them. Many times I have parents who bring their children into the office and say that they don't enjoy doing anything; they act bored; they seem ADD; they argue and don't show respect for adults, etc. After spending time with the kids I find that they are craving parent time. When I discuss it with the parents, they sometimes describe a life of stress and busy-ness with no time for rest or relaxation--let alone play with their children. This blarticle is about how to make small moments with our children to strengthen our homes and our children.
Much of this, I can say I have not learned from classes, or even counseling experiences, but rather from my own children. The other day I asked my six-year-old daughter what makes her feel happy inside. She said that she loves it when "daddy has movie night with us...and you make popcorn and we watch the movie together." My eight-year-old son will say that he is happy when daddy and mommy are happy and especially when daddy is not grumpy (woops!). He also gets excited when we have movie-night, play catch, or play a Wii game. I find it easy to forget these things due to the day-to-day stressors and business of life. I was again reminded of these important things as I listened to a young client describe the video games they play with their father. It was the first time I had ever seen this child light-up, stay on task and focus. They described in detail the games they play and how it feels when they do not play them together. It seems, as simple as it may be, that the little things in our children's lives make the biggest difference. If you have a hard time playing, then try to remember what it was like to be a child and the joys of playing. If you didn't enjoy playing as a child, watch children and mimmick them. It's easy, and the rewards are a happy home and positive developmental growth for yourself and your children. You can't lose!

I Promise! It doesn't bother me....

I have a little bit of an OCD problem...it's always been there and I lovingly accept it for the most-part. One of the things that gets my anxious juices flowing is watching my son. He is eight years old and still gets food on his face when he eats, spills it on his shirt, lets his fingernails grow out and inevitably caked with various types of dirt, mud, and other microbes. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. On top of that, he "makes a fool" out of himself in public by dancing down the grocery store aisle or doing other acts of performance that cause me to look over my shoulder in fear of what onlookers might think of my child. As much as I try to lovingly parent him to "behave" or to have "good manners" at the table he does not seem to absorb my parental advice. Just when I thought that I was some how failing at parenting, I had an experience that changed my mind.

Many individuals go throughout their childhood without the opportunity to dance in the aisle or play in the dirt. When that happens it seems that the childhood light gets snuffed out and they end out on my couch talking about their childhood and how it continues to plague them into adulthood. As I sit and listen, I realize the joy that my son and daughters have when they "make a fool" of themselves, because they feel something. They feel like dancing, so they do. My daughters dress up as princesses, because they believe they are princesses. My son dances break-dancing (or at least his own rendition) and believes that he really is doing it. Who says they're not? The light in their eyes and the joy in their faces is enough to show that they are fulfilled, connected to themselves and their surroundings, and don't care what others think.

We can learn a lot from children...we should do as they do...