Anybody Wanna Take a Selfie? Thoughts on Social Media and Texting

Oh my gosh...does everyone want to take a selfie with me?

I read an article today (see link below) that brought some raw feelings, as well as some opinions that I decided to blog about. Social Media is a fairly new concept for many of us (i.e. ten years old or less), but to the upcoming generations it is a daily influence. Whether it's Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or blogging it is something that the newer generations will continue to use. For starters, I don't want any of my three readers to believe that this is an anti-social media blog. I use social media for my personal and professional life. Over time I have learned which subjects, topics of discussions, or people that I prefer to follow or to have follow me. I have also learned, by sad experience, that the ability to communicate effectively is not supportable by social media.

Many aspects of the human experience and how we communicate are lost in text. It is difficult to convey true emotion and even intention with mere words. Body language, facial expressions, context, mood/affect and much more are lost. There can also be a diminished sense of accountability when using social media as a means to convey opinions or feelings. People tend to be less afraid of conveying their thoughts, no matter the consequence, when there isn't an actual voice behind it. It's easy to write out opinions without worrying about how others might receive it. We tend to believe we are protected because there is no eye-contact with the communication.

However, this can be both helpful and destructive. I once had a client who had experienced severe trauma. She didn't feel comfortable talking about it, so she preferred writing it out in text. After a session of this, she was able to express herself verbally. It created a bridge for her and she was able to work through and resolve a lot of difficult experiences.

On the other hand, I have witnessed how social media and text can be very destructive, particularly with teens. Young teens may not have the social and emotional developmental capacity to judge what is appropriate or inappropriate to say over text or social media. It can lead to unexpected, unwanted, or even purposeful harm to others including bullying, social isolation, and much more. Once again, this is because social media and text can serve as a bridge to communicate things that normally would be very uncomfortable to say to someone's face.

When this is occurring, there is a very simple solution. If you are a parent or caretaker of a young teen, set specific rules and boundaries regarding text and social media use. Make it specific, make it individual to each person, and be consistent with rewards and consequences. Also, monitor  their text and social media use frequently. This is not an invasion of their privacy. They are young adults, not full-fledged adults. Guidance and boundaries will not harm their developmental growth. In fact, research shows that it helps them. Finally, know the applications that your teen is using. Some of them have specific settings that allow them to send direct messages or even quick messages that are deleted after viewing them for only a few seconds. You never know what they're being exposed to.

Well, I think that's all for today...



https://www.yahoo.com/katiecouric/inside-the-secret-world-of-teens-and-social-media-121946695.html

SELF-CARE! It's What's for Dinner!

I know, I know....

It's been quite a long time since I've posted anything in this blog. I'd like to chalk it up to being very busy with Faculty work, Counseling work, writing a fictional novel, or spending time with family...and while that's true, I know there have been many times over the past few months where I thought to myself, "Hey, I just got a great idea to blog about...I'll do that tomorrow." I say the same thing about exercising, too. So, as a comeback message, I want to talk briefly on the value of selfcare. Yes, I made those two words one word, because it fits the need for it. The idea of selfcare is so paramount as a mental health practitioner that it deserves notoriety.

What is selfcare? I'm glad you asked. It is the time out of every day that you take or set aside to selfishly care for your mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual self. It is what recharges your batteries, fills your emotional bucket, aligns your Chi, etc. It is also one of those things that many of us just don't do. Why, you ask? Because, that whole "practice what you preach" thing for mental health counselors is not a strong point. We tend to follow the Westernized value of "work, work, work" for tomorrow we die. One might say that we can be the antithesis of the 7 Dwarves who try to whistle their way through working to make the day a little brighter. We forget the whistling and just work. What can it result in? Burn-out. Compassion fatigue. Bitterness. Loss of relationships to name a few. Or, it can lead to a feeling of drudgery.

Oh, this doesn't just happen to counselors. It can happen to anyone who doesn't take the time to care for themselves. So, whether it's reading a book, watching your favorite show on Netflix at night, taking a hot bath, or just relaxing, make sure to put as much effort into your selfcare as you do your work. Do it every day, even if you don't believe you have the time. Then, after doing it for a few days, reflect on how it affects your day-to-day. You may see the difference.

Until next time...

Dr Law

LGBTQ Community and Marriage... and Rocky Road Ice Cream???

Well, typically as a mental health professional I stay out of subjects that are controversial on a social scale. Naturally, I see individuals and these subjects arise, though it is my ethical responsibility to work from their value system and perspective. However, as the subject of the Supreme Court ruling is being discussed heavily in the media (both professional and social), I felt that I may pipe in with my own two cents on the matter.

Firstly, as is discussed in my blog profile, I am a mental health counselor by trade and follow the American Counseling Association Code of Ethics. As such, I am required to provide services that are multiculturally sensitive, as well as to practice in my areas of competency. Being multiculturally sensitive does not mean what many think it means. I have heard some ignorantly say that it means mental health counselors must put aside their personal beliefs and values and advocate for values within the societal and individual system that may go against their own. Thus, it would make the profession amoral, as in it has no moral system that guides it on an individual basis as the professional would be required to give up their belief system. That couldn't be further from the truth. What it actually means is that we, as professionals and individuals maintain our personal value system, we work to become self-aware of our value system and how it may interact with other value systems that may not coincide with our own. Thus, we are able to skillfully competently control our value system and how it might influence others on a conscious or subconscious level. We are held accountable for our value system and how we essentially push it onto others. For example, on a simplistic level and only for the purpose of explanation, my value system may say that the best and most enjoyable flavor of ice cream is Rocky Road (which it is); however, my client's value system is such that Neopolitan is the most enjoyable and flavorful. Let's say my client is struggling with their spouse whose favorite ice cream is also Rocky Road. They have heated arguments about it and it results in marital discord. My natural inclination is to agree with the spouse as I also love Rocky Road. Without being aware of my bias, I can inadvertently side with the spouse, thus causing more stress and anxiety to the client and affecting the therapeutic relationship. On the other hand, if I am able to skillfully identify my own bias to Rocky Road, and to focus on my client and their struggle with their spouse and the resulting discomfort they have, then I can be empathetic to them and demonstrate my empathy through reflective listening and other skills. Thus, I would maintain the integrity of the relationship with my client, helping them work through their own struggles (which really have nothing to do with ice cream) while simultaneously maintaining my own personal conviction about the deliciousness of Rocky Road.

Now, I know that this is simplistic, and that many would argue that I am minimizing the importance of the public arguments about the Supreme Court ruling on the lawfulness of Gay Marriage. However, it is a likeness that I would like to use as a demonstration of the process that is going on. There are those who say that this Supreme Court ruling is Constitutional and others say it is not. By the way, this is not a political article. (If you want to argue politics, do it with someone who is much more adept at it). Those that say it is Unconstitutional may also say that it is wrong, and/or immoral or something else. Those that say it is Constitutional may say that it has nothing to do with being moral or immoral, but rather it is a person's right to show their love to an individual through marriage whether their orientation be straight, gay, bisexual, etc. Thus, the argument results in heightened levels of emotions and then philosophical, religious, and politically-lined debates to prove who is right and who is wrong; or to justify one's position in a logical manner. Either way, it ends in the same thing...judgment, anger, and hurt. Now, being a counselor, I would say that there is nothing wrong with being hurt. Hurt feelings and pain can be a breeding ground for change. My old boss used to say "Out of the ashes of pain, beautiful things can grow." I agree. I'm not justifying bullying or people being mean, because that is wrong. As you can see, I'm taking the side of the survivors and victims of hurt, and not the dealers of it. But, I digress. The point I am trying to reach is that one may have personal conviction and evidence to support their value that this decision was good/right or bad/wrong. And living in the US of A, and having their Freedom of Speech gives them the right to voice it. As such, they are accountable and responsible for the words they say. Furthermore, an individual has the right to have their opinion. Yet, it is possible for people to become aware of their values and biases and even though it may go against another, they can still support and love the individual WITHOUT compromising their own value. It is possible to love all people, yet not agree with an opposing belief systems and value. Yes, that may cause some discomfort, but once again, I believe (this is my value) that discomfort can be a growth-promoting tool. Once again, a person can maintain their own beliefs WITHOUT compromise and still love a person. Notice, I did not say that they must necessarily advocate or support the other person's belief system. I only mean to say that they love the other by simple virtue of them being of the same Human family. It does not mean you agree with, advocate for, or support compromising values. Just love or care for the person as that is a quality that does not require agreement. In fact, a person who can express love for someone that they don't agree with shows an even higher level of love, in my opinion.

That's all I have to say for now...

To Hate Or To Forgive...That Is the Question

Reality Show: 19 Kids and Counting

This reality show was recently brought to my attention, more specifically, the news that is rapidly spreading throughout social media regarding Josh, the older child of this family. It was indicated that a few years ago he had admitted to molesting a few of his siblings, and in turn, received counseling services. Furthermore, it was also stated that the survivors of the incident also received treatment. These types of scenarios are not ones that any one person enjoys reading about, as it opens up a realm of ridicule, doubt, judgement, and fear. I was amazed at many of the social media responses and comments made about Josh, as well as the survivors in addition to their family and religious beliefs. Therefore, I, like many others are undoubtedly doing decided to write a few remarks on scenarios such as these. 

It is difficult to be an outsider looking in when we hear about children having been sexually abused. As a counselor, I have heard over the years that one in four or even as high as one in three girls are sexually abused. One in four boys are, as well. It seems to be more commonplace than we know, yet it continues to be the frightening elephant in the room. Rather than look at it from a judgmental place, I’d rather look at it from a place of understanding. 

First, not all people who act out sexually in an inappropriate manner have been victims themselves. There can be a small correlation to this idea, but it is not a cause-effect relationship. There are many factors that play into a person acting out. Therefore, jumping to a conclusion that someone does this because it was done to them is not accurate. Also, religions that call for sexual purity or sexual abstinence do not lead to someone acting out. There is no cause-effect relationship, though on social media I have seen this said. Research does not support statements like these. Third, saying that the victims must come out into the open and tell their story is not always helpful, nor is it therapeutic. In fact, it can do the opposite. It can foster hate…and we all know what happens when hate is encouraged. 

Now, on to the victims or survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be a developmental life changer. I want to reiterate what I just said—it CAN be a developmental life changer. That means and implies that other factors must be involved such as support, age of the individual, psychosocial stage of development, cognitive development, etc. Sexual abuse introduces a very mature idea into a small mind and body that is not cognitively or socially ready for it. It also introduces strong physiological responses in a small mind and body that may not be ready for it. This can lead to confusion about sex, relationships, identity, and much more. However, it doesn’t have to be a game changer. Again, it is not a cause-effect relationship. Much can be said about the victim/survivor who comes out and talks about it, though it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are more or less healthy than those who keep it quiet. Much can be said about those who keep it quiet and work on it on their own without creating an environment of anger. The reason I say that, is because one social media responder indicated that the victims need to have a voice and be represented and speak out loud. This type of behavior can actually lead to ongoing symptomatic and behavioral problems, as well as fostering self-loathing, hatred, and mistrust. Anger and hate beget more anger and hate. Helping a person find meaning in their life after the abuse can foster inner peace, healing, understanding, and forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness for the one who did the abuse. 

In the many hours I have spent working with people who have suffered through many types of trauma, I have yet to meet a person who fully healed that did not forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that one is okay with what happened to them or what they did to someone else. Forgiveness means letting go of all hope of a better past (not my saying, but a good one), and allowing the pain, sorrow, and suffering to go. Holding on to the pain and suffering only brings more pain and suffering. Again, I return to my prior statement that we all know what happens when hate is encouraged.

Finally, true healing can happen for both the victim/survivor and the perpetrator. It requires empathy on both sides. Empathy is being willing to walk with the individual, side-by-side, and to support them, not to enable them. Empathy can empower a person to have hope for a better future. A better future does not mean that they will be free from the memory of what was done, but rather that they can grow and develop into something stronger. They can find meaning from the suffering (yes, that is a very existentialist statement—for more information read Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning). The path to recovery from victimization or perpetration is not comfortable, but it is doable. Most of the time, you won’t find those stories in social media. Those people keep their stories to themselves, because they are sacred and personal. If a story fosters hate and confusion, there won’t be much healing there. 

If anyone has questions or comments, feel free to leave them…if they are negative and degrading, they will be deleted. My blog is not a place for that.

Negative Psychology? Or Is It Focusing on People?

A few nights ago, I was up until a far too late hour with a sibling discussing various topics regarding mental health, addiction, trauma, etc. As can happen, I found myself going into a monologue about the subjects. This happens due to a passion that I have for them. Over the years I’ve had opportunities to attend trainings and supervision on various subjects. What I find fascinating is when two seemingly unrelated subjects or ideas come together in a correlational fashion. Therefore, I was discussing these types of experiences with him. As we continued our discussion, I did not find myself enlightened by the topic as I had heretofore experienced; but, rather, I found myself becoming saddened and despondent. I remember the moment when I was aware of my mood change when I had finished talking about the effects of pornography and other addictions on the brain and my brother asked, “Is it possible for the effects to be reversed? Or for the person to experience some kind of full recovery?” At that point was when I had realized that I had backed myself in a corner. I had been focusing on the psychological research that I had studied, which is very negative. In fact, that is one of the complaints of the psychology field is that it can be negatively focused, which is why Positive Psychology became a movement. We finished the conversation and I went to bed. The next morning I was still feeling despondent. I meditated on the “why” of my mood and realized that I had, once again, focused so heavily on the research that I forgot about the human aspect of this field. The study of people does not take into account the people as it looks for correlations in variables. Now, I’m not saying that research does not carry importance, as research is highly beneficial, but the people no longer become the focus as the variables and how they interact with other variables carry more weight. But, I digress. 

As I was reflecting on what we had discussed and the sense of sadness it brought due to the negative results of mental health problems I had a very strong impression come to my mind. It was simply put “What are you going to do about it, Jamison?” At that moment, the sense of hopelessness disappeared and I experienced a feeling of empowerment and I asked myself the question, “what can I do about it?” The answer, then, was simple. I can keep trying. I can keep trying to work with people to help them see that despite their struggles, traumas, addictions, disorders, negative experiences in all of their forms that they have inherent value just by virtue of being alive and being a member of the human family. Is that not what counseling is about? Our clients struggle with various maladies of the human experience which bring them to question their value. We call these struggles disorders as a means to classify and measure. But, at the end of the day, do we not all have moments of depression, anxiousness, traumas, addiction, behavioral outbursts, etc.? Therefore, what I can do is engage anxiously in a positive cause to try to help where I am able and hope that my interaction and interventions will result in an increase of self-awareness. I can provide treatments that are intentional and purposeful that help give others an idea of the direction they hope to go that they might liberate themselves from “disorders” with which they are plagued. And, maybe, along the way I too can learn more about myself, have more self-awareness, and learn (piece by piece) of my own value as a member of the human family.

Adolescents and Secrecy

You know (referring to all three of my readers), every so often I run across an article that gets my mind going. The reason I say that it's only "every so often" is because much of what I read seems to be repetitive; therefore, when I come across something that really catches my interest I like to talk about it.

In my job for the University I have the unending privilege to review dozens of student responses per week online. Most of them include article reviews. Today, I read one that reviewed an article on the correlation between parent invasion with adolescents and adolescent secrecy. It indicated that there is a positive correlation between the two behaviors. In other words, the more parents pry with their adolescents, the higher the chance that the adolescent will engage in acts of secrecy. Now, I did not follow through with reading what types of secrecy, so in the case of my comments that will not be addressed. It wasn't so much the results of the study that intrigued me or got me thinking. It was more the idea of why an adolescent feels or believes that secrecy must be used when a parent asks "what is going on?" Moreover, I would want to know what type of interaction the parents had with the child long before they progressed into adolescence and how that interaction played into the adolescents' perceived need for secrecy? What was being taught in the home? What kinds of principles were encouraged and modeled for them? Now, I do understand that a child, once they grow into an adolescent is trying to build an identity. Erik Erikson was very clear on that with his psychosocial stages of development. I am also not implying that if a child is taught principles of transparency and integrity that they won't "experiment" when they become an adolescent. That happens! I am simply curious what happened before the child became an adolescent and what would be considered statistically significant if deeper research were done.

My thoughts may seem archaic and maybe even a little outdated, but as a mental health clinician, and as a father myself, I prefer the idea that if you teach children and even adolescents correct principles to live by, then the likelihood of inter and intrapersonal integrity is increased. I do know that there are those out there that follow evolutionary and developmental models who might disagree with me. They may say that it is part of an adolescent's developmental and genetic make-up to experiment and make mistakes and that it is only by those mistakes that they will learn. Because I have only three readers or maybe even three-hundred, I argue that it is not necessary, but it does happen. One can learn how to live with integrity without the need for secrecy. Those are just my thoughts.

Dr Law

Here We Go Again...More Trauma Thoughts...

Recently, while reviewing a few discussions with my job with Capella University, I came across a really great thread and it got me thinking. No one will ever read this, so I will leave it "as is" without editing it.

This discussion got me thinking about trauma, as a general area of study and treatment, and how my opinion and viewpoint of it has changed drastically over the years. I remember originally finding the trauma response as being an invasive and tragic experience for clients. Biochemically speaking, their lymbic system super-cedes their prefrontal cortex  due to the situation creating a survival response (freeze, fight, flight). Then, due to the severity or consistency of the trauma, their lymbic system tells the autonomic nervous system to remain in a hyper-alert response in order to prepare for possible traumas in the future. The experience thus results in poor sleep, anxiousness, avoidance, dissociation to some extent (sometimes), and intrusive symptoms such as nightmares, flashbacks, or even reliving the trauma.

However, as time went on and after I had worked with many clients, I began to see it in a different light. I didn't see it as invasive any longer. I realized that invasiveness was akin to a victim role that someone might not overcome. I began to see it in an existential light, in that "life sometimes throws things at us, every hour of every day, and asks us 'what are you going to do with this now?'" I realized that most of the strongest people in history have pasts that are wrought with pain and heartache, yet they survived and even thrived. It didn't mean that they didn't struggle. They almost began to find a purpose in their existence and even meaning from the trauma. I realized, in my view, that it had to do with viewpoint and mindset. Many of the clients I worked with that WANTED to overcome it succeeded. Those that didn't want to, or didn't believe they could, or didn't believe they were worthy of it had a harder time.

Additionally, I began to change my worldview on what is painful and what is fair when it comes to equality. Due to life's struggles I began to think that all people despite race, ethnicity, culture, SES status, country of birth, background, etc. had pain and happiness and that what made us equal was not any of the aforementioned things, but that we all came into this world in a similar fashion, we all strive for similar goals (some semblance of happiness or joy), that we all struggle in our own individual ways, and that we ultimately leave the earth in the same way (i.e. our heart stops beating, our lungs stop filling with air, our organs cease to function) and that it makes us very similar. Therefore, I had the capacity to help others in all kinds of pickles, because I understand it to some extent what it means to be happy and to struggle. Thus, trauma has taught me a lot and I hope to continue learning from it.
Dr Law